patience problems.

So I'm not sure if any of you have ever had this weird thing that happens when everything around you starts revolving around the same subject, but you have no idea until everything comes full circle... and then you there's this big strange, overwhelming epiphany. Well I've had one of those lately. 

Life lately has been pretty nice. Besides the pre-Easter rush at work, my life has been pretty as close to perfect as you can get. good grades, kites, beautiful weather, concerts, friends...everything has been lovely. But I've also been secretly worrying myself away on the inside (per-usual nearing-graduation-college student), thinking about internships, jobs, papers, the summer, the fall, spring, next summer, and the year after and after and after, but then there's my future husband?, kids?, my family and their health and my health, keeping jobs and paying for houses and bills and this and that.... you get my point. My brain is a constant worry station. I've gotten pretty good at hiding it on the outside, but in my head those wheels are just spinning away. If I could just see my future... now. Life would be grand.

 In Sunday School we started talking about what age we would choose if we could stay that age our entire lives. I picked 19, so I would always be in my freshman year of college. Ohhh... that year was straight-up-paradise. No job. Daily midday naps. Easy classes. New friends. A new city. Free weekends. Tons of Freedom. and money every two weeks from the parents. ahhh. life was good. And if that was possible, boy I would do it in a split second. 

But sadly, it's not. I'm dealing with real "grown-up" life. I'm about to jump into the ocean of cut throat employers and selfish co-workers, and the possibility of being an unemployed journalist working at a children's clothing store in Homewood for the rest of my whole entire life. It freaks me out. 

Which then translates to my patience-problem. I hate waiting. I hate possibilities. I hate hanging in limbo not knowing if something is 100% for absolutely sure or not. I hate not knowing if I will be able to land a big internship next year or even a job after that. I especially hate not knowing what I'll be doing this time next year, graduated or not. 

So when we read James 5 on Sunday morning patience, patience, patience was the word. But not only patience, but steadfast endurance. I find that I connect more with the "endurance" part of patience than I actually do the sitting and waiting part. I've always been taught endurance my whole life, whether it's with twirling, playing soccer, running or putting up with teasing from my two brothers. I can put up with almost anything for a good amount of time. Endurance. I've got it.

Patience. That's another story.
I absolutely cannot stand waiting for anything for a long amount of time. I just can't do it. I find that I get real excited for something, obsess over it for 3 or 4 days and then when I realize it will take some waiting time, I usually drop it and never pick it back up again. This is what I define my patience-problem as. It's probably my biggest pet peeve about myself. And something I wish I could change, but it takes time to change. And then it comes full circle. I love seeing results. Whether it's a finished art project, my tryout routine the day before tryouts, a 15 page paper printed out and ready to turn in. I love seeing concrete products. This may or not be the reason I've never had a plant live longer than 2 weeks.

I realize everything in life takes time.  It takes time to find the perfect job, the perfect house in the perfect city. It takes time to find the perfect person to marry and then it takes time to get to know them. Life takes time. I've found it's just that it takes time to get to the place that takes time to get to the next place that takes time. Life never slows down. Life never stops. So then why does it seem like it takes so long to get to a final product? Why does the possibility of graduating next year scare me to death? It will get here eventually. It's just all the little things between April 21, 2011 and May 8, 2012 that could happen that knot my stomach up. If I knew what was coming I could put up a detour route, go around it and save my self all kinds of hurt, heartbreak and failure. If I didn't have to wait, I wouldn't have to wait to find out why I can't figure out what I want to do with my life and my future.

So when I was talking to my dad for my interviewing class the other night, everything he said gave me that little epiphany. Every question I asked revolved back to what else? than patience. What did you learn most in college? - to study. and have patience. What have you learned most from mom? - unconditional love and patience. What has your job taught you? - probably umm patience. What has having kids taught you? - definitely patience. Is your life different than you thought it's be? -Nope. It's everything I wished for. It just took some time and patience to figure it out.

So there's no escaping it. Time goes on. It never stops and life will go on. It just takes patience to get there. Whether I graduate in May or December, twirl next year, apply for an internship in NYC or LA, move away from home or move back to Dothan for a while, it's gonna take time to get there. And it can't happen now. Lord knows I'm not ready for the "real world" yet. I've only got a little over a year until I get there, so I can only tell myself to thank God for the little time I have left in school, learn as much as I can and prepare myself for the next step, whatever it may be. Life will come and changes will come. it takes patience to get there, and maybe I'll learn patience while I'm waiting for everything to pan out.

In the end, I just want to look back at life and be able to say "It's everything I wished for... too." It'll just take some time and patience to figure everything out.