#1! I know I haven't posted in a while. Life has been crazy, overwhelming and totally uninspiring right now. So I've been struggling to get 1. time to write 2. something... anything to write about. Crafty blogs and shopping posts can only go so far, right?
#2! I actually can't believe people read this thing. What was supposed to be a little school project has turned into something being read all over the world! and I almost have 800 views in a month & 1/2! crazy! So thanks to whoever out there is actually reading! (ps. feel free to leave feedback or give an idea on something to write about.) :)
#3. I'm getting honest with you now. And it's about to get deep. Life has been really hard lately. I know I've mentioned in other posts about being a christian, and sometimes I feel like all I do is complain about how hard my life is... but this is one of those times that I honestly don't know what I would've done without having God to have faith in and rely on.
But this isn't the first time I've been here, and I know for sure it won't be the last.
In fact, last year at this same time of the year I went through one of the biggest struggles I had ever been through. I've mentioned the injury I had before and I had planned on blogging about it on the one year of the surgery... but that didn't happen! So here it is! :)
Extremely long story short:
1. the worst pain ever in my left hip area... equivalent to stubbing your toe 100 times in a row.
2a. my dad, 3 doctors in Dothan, 1 doctor in Nashville, 1 athletic trainer in Nashville and another at UAB, and 2-3 more doctors in Birmingham.
2b. around 8-10 xrays, 6ish mri's, 4-5 injections.
2c. almost 5 different diagnoses
3. One doctor's appointment to get diagnosed... another to schedule surgery.
and to save you the pain and disgust of describing exactly what was wrong...
this happened.
It's gross. I apologize.
A sports hernia.
It's not the same as a real hernia, and you can't feel it, which makes it even harder to diagnose.
But the little circle above was torn... on both sides.
So on March 8 2010, I went in to have surgery and on March 9 2010, I woke up and realized the next few months and weeks were going to take everything I had to survive. The only good thing was that I got to sleep all the time, where ever and as long as I wanted to.
For almost the next two months I couldn't do some of the things I enjoyed doing most in life. I had a terrible limp when I walked for 6 weeks, I couldn't walk to class, up or down stairs, get in or out of bed without help, carry anything over 5 pounds and I found a new respect for people with true handicaps and a disgust for people who park in handicap spaces without a permit.
But the day I went to the doctor and got cleared to run, then eventually twirl and finally this February, do anything I wanted, I felt overwhelming joy and excitement. But it wasn't without some more pain that I got back to where I am now, actually doing whatever I want to do. The hours in physical therapy, walking the swimming pool and limping around the track at the rec made me question several times whether this whole procedure was worth it.
But now being able to go run, twirl, dance, jump up and down, go to my new obsession pure barre, or anything else I want to do without the pain I had before is TOTALLY worth it.
In a kind of way, and I know it's a stretch, but this can help me picture my relationship with Jesus Christ.
With my injury, I was hurt and had no chance of getting better than a major operation. And with God, I was a sinner. An injured, hopeless sinner. I had no hope at a fulfilling life without giving my life, heart, soul, everything to him.
I had pain, hard times, times of doubt and days when I would break down and cry because I couldn't do something I wanted to do so bad. With God we experience pain, heartache and loss. But it's all in his plan. God sent his only son to earth to die for us. Sinners. He went through the intense pain of a crucifixion. But did it all for us to eventually trust him to get us through our hard times also. How would we know how awesome God was if we never had struggles to rely on him and trust in him to get us through? The way I see it, this was just one of my struggles God planned in my life to show that I can trust him.
But now! I can do anything I want! I'm free from the pain of the injury and the surgery. With God, we are free from sin, slavery, death or disappointment. I'm no longer a slave of Satan, but I'm a bond servant to Christ. I'm free to live my life with him, for him and dance, twirl, run, do whatever I do by giving him the glory. And it's not just a metaphor or example, my body may have healed the same if I didn't believe in God as it did since I do believe in God. But the days when I couldn't get out of bed, the all-nighter I had to go through 10 days after surgery to finish a project that was assigned when I was recovering, the times I watched other people twirl and run when I knew I couldn't, and even the doubt I had before my surgery when I was wondering I would ever be able to run or twirl the same or even have children one day if I did have the surgery. That's when God came through. That's when I was hurt and depressed and losing hope, when God wrapped his arms around me and let me lean on him. God's unfailing love and faithfulness is what kept me going.
It's as simple as that. God's love for us is so far beyond our understanding and knowledge. As hard as you question and make excuses and theories and explanations, he's still there and he's still loving you. No matter your doubts or struggles or times when you fight and resist, he's still there. No matter how you've sinned or fallen away, he will accept you with loving arms. He will help you through anything whether it's a hard test, surgery, divorce or death. Our times of weakness are the times when he shows his strength. Tell me my Jesus isn't real, and I'll show how you're wrong.
Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Love, Carrie. :)
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